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  • Writer's pictureCarla

Then vs. Now

I used to be an easy-breezy kind of gal. I wouldn't worry about too many things. Not much would stress me out. This is what I thought about/worried about then: 

1. Why is organic milk so expensive?

2. Should I get the pink or the black sweater at the J Crew Factory Sale? Yeah, I'm going to buy both. And the shoes.

3. I think Clare should really be eating more fruit and vegetables and less macaroni and cheese and buttered noodles. 

4. I need to work out more. My pants are really tight.

5. Does Maren look like me? I cannot hear one more person referring to Clare as a "mini-Chris."

6. What should we have for dinner? Nevermind. I forgot to defrost that.

7. Why does our laundry pile never get smaller? 

8. I am so bad at keeping in touch. I really need to text her. I am a terrible friend.  

9. How in the world are we out of organic milk? 

10. Why do I always want Chik-fil-a on Sunday? 

This is what I think about/worry about now:

1. Did Clare cough or did she choke while drinking milk?

2. Is Clare eating enough?

3. Am I paying enough attention to Maren?

4. Is Clare running around too much at school? 

5. Should she even be in school?

6. How am I going to get out of bed today?

7. How do I get Clare to take her medicine?

8. Why is organic milk so fricking expensive? 

9. How much butter is too much butter to put on her buttered noodles? 

10. Does Clare know she is sick?

11. Did Clare trip on something or are her legs getting weaker?

12. Will she lose more hair?

13. How many princess dresses can she own? One more is probably a good idea. 

14. Shit. Our house is covered in glitter from princess dresses. Order new Dustbuster. 

15. Shit. Maren has glitter near her eyes.

16. Can Clare handle chemotherapy?

17. We need to start making a list of every place we need to visit as a family.

18. Does she really need another doctor?

19. Where is the bottle of margaritas?

20. I ate 34 peanut M&Ms, four pieces of cheese, two donuts, and drank two margaritas today. I need to do better tomorrow.

21. What if the radiation didn't work?

22. Is she warm? Is she hot? Where is the thermometer? 

23. Why does any family have to go through a cancer diagnosis? 

24. What if we make the wrong decision in her treatment?

25. What if we get lucky and make a lot of the right decisions?

And then there are hundreds of other thoughts and worries that come into my mind every single day that I continue to push away. When something is too hard to think about, I just don't think about it. I know I'll have to think about it at some point, but not today. Today I am going to focus on the absolutely ridiculous price of organic milk and purchasing another princess dress.

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